Over the past ten years, I have built up a very nice Facebook community, made up mainly of people I know personally, but certainly populated with persons who have becomes friends through purely electronic communications.
And I’m walking away. At least for now.
There is no secret that I have bipolar disorder. I am still relatively new with the diagnosis, and it has not been an easy ride. I’m certainly in the grips of it now. I have not left the house for four days. I have moved from the couch to the bed to the couch to the bed about 7 times. One friend stopped by and gave me a hug. That was about all I could take. Can take. Will take. I don’t often feel mentally ill, but I do this week. I joke but don’t joke that the demons have me right now. I joke because demon talk is crazy. I don’t joke because they are very real, very strong, and very insistent.
I’m a fraud. I’m a weak, broken man who has somehow charmed people into believing that I am something special. In certain moments, I believe it myself, this idea of specialness. The demons are good at putting me in my place. I ache and hurt and feel like it would be best if I just disappeared. Kind words just remind me that there is a huge gap between how others see me and how I see myself. How can I possibly pretend to be a servant if I can’t hold myself together?
Don’t worry. This is not a suicide note. This is Aaron being painfully honest. Because that’s kinda what I do. Jesus Christ saved my life, but my life is still filled with pain.
If nothing else, I am more determined than ever to be of service to other people. but I feel like I’ve blurred some lines. I thought of some people as friends and that has caused me some emotional turmoil.
What hurts is that I actually do ministry work through Facebook. Important work, I think. But it is causing me some consternation because I find myself getting my feelings all tangled up in blue. I begin to question the good I’m actually doing with the good I think I’m doing. And, frankly, some people are just mean. It’s hard. I have a lot of messages in my inbox now asking me not to go from Facebook, but every one understands needing some space.
This whole thing is an exercise in narcissism, in one regard. Look at me. I’m walking away from Facebook. Pay attention to me. In another regard it is a further destruction of self. It is a step toward figuring out who it is God wants me to be, and how I can be of service to others. I plan to keep the blog going, if for no other reason than it helps me organize my thoughts and contribute, in some small way, to reclaiming Christianitinty from the extremists.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for your prayers. And I’ll see y’all in other contexts other than Facebook, most likely until after the election. And, possibly, with a new page.